I love Town Lake. It is the heart of Austin: Beautiful scenery, centrally located, trails, dogs and the occasional groovy public art. The only thing that keeps me away from it every day is my allergies. That, and the people on this list. You know em. You love em. Hell, you may be one of em.

You know this girl. She’s got the 5lb. Shih Tzu on the other end of a retractable leash that will extend 90 feet, completely oblivious to the fact that she is obstructing every jogger on the planet with her leash. I’ve often thought about bringing a pair of scissors with me on my runs. That way fluffy can be free and I can be on my way.

Ah, the trail hoggers. These are the people who walk 3 up, side by side, making the trail now an obstacle course, instead of, you know, A TRAIL. I’ve got a suggestion for these folks: Just don’t invite that third person. They’re probably not adding much to the conversation anyway, plus they’ll get spared the occasional incidental elbow.

Yes. The wider world can’t wait. You MUST take that call while exercising. Phone joggers are almost always women. I guess exercising is simply too boring without conversation—or that deal just won’t close without your immediate input. Either way, it’s just plain silly. (Before y’all jump down my throat on this one, men do weird phone stuff too—I’m looking at you, bar urinal texter guy)

It’s probably not his fault. He can’t help that he’s pale. But, for the sake of the rest of us, please wear a shirt. It’s not good for anyone that we are temporarily blinded by your reflected sunlight. Wait. . .actually, this guy might be me.

See Number 2. Except that they’re worse. The momma mafia with their 4-wheel drive, industrial strength plastic baby strollers can dominate a trail like no one else. It’s not bad when it’s just one. But when they run in packs, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY! It’s for your own safety.

OK. He’s not totally naked. But he’s naked enough to scar your brain for life. Not even the visual of 10 drop dead gorgeous women joggers in a row can fully expel the image of this guy biking around the lake. I apologize for forcing you to remember the horror.

Who is this guy? Why is he in such a hurry? Is he late for a Mountain Dew commercial? And if he’s THAT AWESOME of a mountain biker, shouldn’t he be out on a trail that is, you know, challenging to bike? Maybe clipping joggers is the goal. If so, mission accomplished, biker guy.

I really shouldn’t blame these folks. Technically, Ladybird Lake is now the official name. But I just can’t bring myself to call it that. It’s been Town Lake for forever. Does “Ladybird Lake” even sound right to you?

“Can you give me directions to Ladybird Lake?” Sure. “Go down Lollypop Lane, take a right at Gingerbread Road and park in Candyland Drive.” Exactly. Sounds ridiculous.

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Well, there you have it. See you out there, fellow trail crazies. Even though you annoy me, may your runs be swift and you shoes be free of dog poo.

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Some other folks who annoy me. Oddly, the lists keep growing:

Job Posts that annoy me
Bathroom people who annoy me
Gym people who annoy me
Town lake people who annoy me

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I occasionally tweet stuff. Follow at @fangmarks