I’ve gone through various workout modes in my life. I started out as an avid runner, then moved on to weight training, then swimming, followed by triathlons, a 4-year stint of couch-surfing and now I’m back in the groove with a focus on cross-training. I’m hitting the gym with frequency now, as I’m motivated by my realization that fitness = sanity.

But, despite my love—or on some days, tolerance—of the gym, there are people there that drive me fucking batty. It’s not that they are bad people. Just annoying. Really, really annoying. Here are few gems, in no particular order:

Oh yeah! Revel in his awesome manness!!! He grunts loudly and repeatedly so that you can experience his power! I’m assuming steroids reduces the ability to be embarrassed in social situations. Thankfully, the grunting quotient decreased dramatically when I switched from Gold’s Gym to Lifetime Fitness.

You’ve all seen this guy. He’s the one that has 4 different sets of weights, 3 towels, a notebook and a creatine shake strategically placed around “his” weight bench. He’ll only use one weight set every 10 minutes, but the moment you try to grab one of his weights, you’ll get the “I’m using that” look. Sure you are, dude. This whole gym is really your personal workout facility. I’m just here to subsidize your dream of becoming Mr. Universe.

OK, I have to confess. I really like Super Sexy Spandex Girl. She looks fantastic and I’m a red blooded, American male. But, occasionally, a Super Sexy Spandex Girl will notice you checking her out, and give you that look of total indignation. Yes, I am a bastard. How dare I look at you, with your 3% body fat body, fake boobs and perfectly form fitted outfit, designed to accentuate said assets. I’m sure you’re wearing it not to be noticed at all. On the occasion that this happens, I think of this SNL skit, and remember that wanted attention is a very subjective matter.

Do I even need to describe this person? I bet you already have the visual in your head. The vast majority of people should not wear spandex at the gym. Ever. This includes you too, fellas. That should go without saying.

Ugh. The uncontrollable sweating beast. Dude uses circuit machine. Dude gets up and leaves. A new strain of bacteria has just been created in the cesspool that is the puddle of sweat left on the seat. They provide towels at the gym, amigo. Grab ten or so and make use of them. Viral outbreak defeated.

He is my absolute, favorite guy. He loves himself SO much that he can’t bear to be more than 2 feet from the mirror while doing his curls. Because, of course, you can’t have proper form if you aren’t right there! Maybe he is nearsighted. Mirror hogger guy has a 95% chance of wearing a sleeveless shirt while at the gym. There are female mirror hoggers too, but I’m afraid to make fun of them as they can easily bench press me and kick my ass.

Thankfully, ladies, you never have to experience this(or do you?). Mr Way Too Comfortable With His Nakedness is a staple in every gym’s locker room. There is ALWAYS at least one of these guys around. I try not to make eye contact and get the hell out of there as quickly as possible.

These people are crazy. She has an hour to workout. Her kids are in daycare. There are errands still to run. You WILL NOT get in the way of her making it to this class. Hanging out with these folks before a class with limited space is what I imagine the scene of a pre-show general admission Justin Bieber concert would be. No time to be nice. It’s every pre-teen for herself. Get. Out. Of. The. Way.

A few folks who get honorable mentions: Mr. Peacock(the male version of Super Sexy Spandex Girl), Cell Phone Chatty Kathy(After 30 minutes next to her on the StairMaster, you know more about her life than you ever wanted to) and Captain B.O.(further description unnecessary). If you find yourself imitating any of these behaviors, get help immediately. It’s not too late.

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Along similar lines, here are the Town Lake People Who Annoy Me. It’s possible, some of them go to the gym too.

And some other gems: Facebook People / Bathroom People / Job Post People

And I occasionally write stuff on Twitter, so you can follow me here. I’m an equal opportunity offender.

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A semi-serious note for the easily offended: Don’t be. Life is absurd and so are the people living it. That’s one of the reasons I’ve started to write this stuff. To me, one of the strangest cultural phenomenons today is the negative body image. If that ever keeps you from going to the gym, you are probably missing the point of why you should go to the gym in the first place: to be active and to be healthy. Modern society makes it hard to do that. We sit on our asses all day. We eat processed foods all day. We need to offset those unnatural behaviors and that is what is so great about going to the gym. If you are intimidated about going, don’t be. Half of us are too busy being self-conscious to notice you and the other half are too focused on doing the work they came there to do. Check one out. Talk to a trainer. Take a class. You’ll be healthier and happier if you do.