It was only a matter of time. This rant has been burning in my soul for a good year now. Not the most original idea, I admit. It’s been done before. But I’ve got my own special little group of people to shine a light on. In the hopes that…if just for a moment…they’ll think before they post. Of course, they won’t. That’s OK. I’ve been hiding their status updates for the last 6 months anyway. For your viewing pleasure: Facebook People Who Annoy Me.

Facebook People Who Annoy Me

Ah, the gamer. Constantly inviting you into his Farmville World. I don’t even know what Farmville is. Isn’t that where I grew up? Seriously, who still plays Farmville? Apparently millions of people each day. I think we’ve found the true source of the recession.

The Over-Liker must think everything in the entire Facebook Universe is AWESOME. How else can you explain her indiscriminate liking? A note to the over-likers out there: Liking everyone kinda means you like no one. (P.S. If you don’t like this blog entry, I’m going to take it personally.)

The Activist knows that your primary reason for going to Facebook each and every day is to simultaneously fund his bike ride ride for cancer, adopt that dog who is about to be euthanized and sign that petition to Congress. The Activist is the digital equivalent of a person who walks into your kitchen and puts a political flyer on your fridge. Every. Single. Day. Because of him, you now know there are riots in Tunisia. Even if you still can’t find Tunisia on a map.

If it were possible to check in, while taking a picture of herself in Instagram, while typing a tweet that appears in her Timeline—where she just became the Mayor, the Social Media Addict would do it. Until then, she will do all of these things individually, and more—clogging up your feed with an endless stream worthless information. Seek help now, Ms. Addict. Before you discover Pinterest.

Want to have an intelligent political discussion? Not with the Political Expert, people. He’s only here for flaming and virtual high fives. The Political Expert is extremely adept at writing that post slamming Rush Limbaugh with the foreknowledge that 98.5% of his friends already hate Rush Limbaugh. I applaud your bravery, sir. And your contribution to the dialogue.

Me. Me. Me. Pictures of Me. Life is HARD. My day has totally sucked. Mememememememe! Oh, the drama. Why go to therapy when you’ve got the Facebook Support Group?

It’s raining outside! OMG! I ate six tacos, I’m so full! Captain Obvious adds that level of unnecessary dialogue that was missing from your life before Facebook. It’s the hole in your life you didn’t know existed. Now filled. With tacos.

He got cut off in traffic. That waiter’s service was horrible. His cable company sucks. And by ALL THAT IS HOLY he is going to let the WORLD know about it!! The Rantmaster is a master…of what I’m not exactly sure. Displaced rage? Shit, this might be me.

He’s on vacation in the Bahamas and he’s going to let you know how awesome it is! And his new car! He just won the lottery! Look at the piles of money on his bed!! He is at the BEST PARTY! Mr. Showboat is the coolest cat on the planet. I know this because he keeps telling me he is.

By FAR, my favorite person on Facebook. How can you not like the person who has the drunk party profile photo juxtaposed next to her Gandhi quote status update. Thank you Ms. Poser. My life was dark, and then you showed me the light, as Gandhi has clearly done for you. At least, for the moment it took you to cut and paste that quote.
I’m sure I’ve done every one of these things at least once(except for Farmville. What IS that?). But if you see too much yourself in this little post, seek help. Or go to Google+. Nobody’s on there anyway.

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Others who need a serious dose of behavioral adjustment:

Gym People / Town Lake People / Bathroom People / Job Post People