Well, it’s been a while since I’ve offended you, so I thought I’d get back to what I do best — Rant. These have been stewing for about a year, now. It had been almost eight since I seriously looked at a job post. My how things have changed. I know my profession has jumped the shark when the landscape of online professional networking reads like bad telemarketing scripts. You may think that job at ShamWow Incorporated is worth your time. Just remember: Buyer beware. For your viewing pleasure:

Ahh, these posts. They generate a lot of excitement! They involve a description that really doesn’t fully describe the job! They are awesome! And they are looking for Rockstars!!! It usually involves social media. It usually pays horrible. But, really, do Rockstars need money? Hell no. They get paid in complements! And exclamation points!!!!

Need designer. Must know Photoshop, InDesign, Flash, Illustrator and Fireworks. Oh, must also know Dreamweaver, CSS, Javascript, PHP, Joomla and Ruby. Oh, job pays 35K. Seriously people. It’s a gold mine to find someone good at one of the two disciplines. If you find the holy grail of skillset multitasking who can do both, do us all a favor and pay that dude his worth—before he realizes it, goes out on his own and does just as good a job for your clients at 1/2 your price.

Managing a team of zero? That’s OK. You can be a Creative Director. Have only one year of professional experience? That’s OK. You can be a Creative Director. Want a job that pays terrible but masks that with a superfluous job title? That’s OK. You can be a Creative Director. Some day . . . oh some day . . . I’ll be a Creative Director.

“Hey Matt, I’ve got a position that I think you would REALLY be interested in. Call me.” The typical voicemail. Um, how about you just email me the position. Or describe it in the voicemail. Is it for the CIA? Is that why its top secret? Apparently, telemarketing phone sales tactics from the 1980’s gets a better response these days. Doubtful. Save us both the time. Get to the point.

You are a LinkedIn contact. We know each other somewhat socially or professionally. We’ve never worked together. SO WHY ARE YOU ASKING FOR MY PROFESSIONAL RECOMMENDATION??!?!?!? Whew! OK. Glad I got that off my chest. I feel better now. Soooo, will you recommend me on LinkedIn? Thanks a bunch!

Why anyone would take seriously a job post in the same place they bought their 15 year old barcalounger is beyond me. There is a reason job fairs and flea markets aren’t the same thing, people. The internet hasn’t changed that yet.

Looking to fill a position for a Lead Technical User Architect III. I’m pretty sure that sounds like someone who works on the space shuttle. Oh wait. No one works on the space shuttle anymore. It now means you work in corporate marketing. For Dell.

Hey! We’re looking for some highly educated but debt-ridden people to do the work we used to pay people for! Interested? Sweet. Just sign right here. Don’t worry, we’ll pay you eventually. Well, probably not you. Well, maybe one of you. Who’s getting me some coffee?

If you’ve found yourself falling for one of these tactics, take a deep breath my fellow professional. If you’re on the job, best to grin and bear it and chalk it up to experience. If you haven’t been hired yet . . . well . . . it’s not too late to fail that drug test.

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Some other folks who annoy me. Oddly, the lists keep growing:

Facebook people who annoy me
Bathroom people who annoy me
Gym people who annoy me
Town lake people who annoy me

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I occasionally tweet stuff. Follow at @fangmarks