January 22, 2012


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Bathroom People Who Annoy Me

Yep. I went there. Yet another sign of our gradual cultural decline is the increasingly odd behavior you will experience in the public bathroom. God only knows what happens in the women’s bathroom, but it can’t be as bad as these guys, can it? Here are the bathroom people who annoy me. If you have to wash your hands after reading this post, I won’t blame you. Wash your brain, while you’re at it, too.

Bathroom People Who Annoy Me

1. The Urinal Texter

A multi-tasking genius, the Urinal Texter has mastered the art of two tasks with two different hands. I know there is a law against texting and driving, but it might be time to consider banning these folks too. This is serious business. When you are next to this guy, you’re worrying about his aim. And your shoes.

2. The Bathroom Stall Cell Phone Talker

What does it sound like to be on the other end of a call with one of these idiots? Will you hear weird echoes? Are there awkward pauses when Mr. Hanky makes his glorious appearance? I’m often tempted to make loud, strange noises when I’m in the adjacent stall. With the hopes that his friend on the other line will realize they are both part of his special potty time.

3. The Silent Assassin

I’ve never seen this guy. He may be you. He may be me. You know that he has struck when you enter the bathroom and feel the need to reach for an imaginary hazmat gas mask in order to maintain consciousness. Just back away. It’s for your own safety.

4. Splashy McSplasherton

This guy can’t seem to wash and dry his hands without spraying the entire area with his wet germs. I see him as the human version of the dog that must stand right next to you and shake out every drop of water in his coat. It appears like he’s not doing it on purpose. I’m not buying it.

5. Mr. Voted Most Likely to Become a Sex Offender

That creepy guy. Nuff said.

6. The Anti-Flusher

Some people climb mountains or write the great American novel. Others invent new technologies and cure diseases. The anti-flusher seems to feel his lasting contribution to humanity is the “I was here” monument left in the toilet. All it really proves is that he has a working colon and bad dietary habits.

7. The Camper

Early on in man’s history we had to go quickly. You never knew when that bear might jump out and eat you at your most vulnerable time (no time for the funny pages). Boy have we come full circle. I’m pretty sure 50% of the time spent playing angry birds is done by campers. Hiding in their stalls. Making you wait for one to become available.

8. The Awkward Conversationalis

He’s the complete stranger who for no logical reason strikes up a conversation that he feels must last longer than 15 seconds. Then, you’re left awkwardly trying to disengage yourself after you’ve washed your hands and are moving towards the door, trying to not make eye contact. When in doubt, pretend your cell phone just rang.

9. The Germophobe

I should probably appreciate the germophobe. I’m almost one myself. But you’ve gone too far when you leave every bathroom by throwing the paper towel into the bin and exiting backwards through the door like you’re going into surgery. The world is a dirty place my friend. Sometimes you just have to deal with it and stop opening doors with your elbows.

10. The Bathroom Attendant

Guilting two dollars out of me every time I have to pee doesn’t class up your joint, business owners. It just makes for one more person I have to interact with when I’m there to take care of business. Save us the money and your employee his pride. We’ll both be happier.

If you read this in a bathroom, for the love of all that is holy, wash your hands. And get out of the stall. People are waiting.

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More people who annoy me:
Town Lake People Who Annoy Me + Gym People Who Annoy Me + Facebook People Who Annoy Me + Job Post People Who Annoy Me

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